1. What to do if someone has sexually harmed you.
The Rape and Incest Sexual Assault National Network offers a 24-hour phone and chat line.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
It can also help you find a rape crisis center close to you that can offer forensic exams, trained counselors, and support groups.
https://nationalsurvivornetwork.org/document/rainn-find-your-local-rape-crisis-center/
Many college campuses have hotlines. Students at Tulane University, for example, run a hotline through an organization called SAPHE
https://campushealth.tulane.edu/departments/student-organizations/saphe
The Take Back the Night Foundation also runs a national hotline for legal assistance: 567-742-8837
https://takebackthenight.org/legal-assistance/
2. How to receive a disclosure of sexual assault without harming the survivor.
Faculty: Re-evaluate the ethics of mandatory reporting and consider being a conscientious objector.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8719867/
3. How to find a therapist who can help you heal after an assault.
It is important to find a therapist with expertise in dealing with sexual assault trauma. Many therapists work via telehealth and many states allow therapists to work with clients in other states (my therapist moved from New Orleans to Texas). Health match (https://mentalhealthmatch.com/) is basically psychotherapy Tinder. The therapists who use the service create their own profile including what issues they work with, what populations they are familiar with and, what locations they serve as well as insurance taken. On the patient side, they fill out an anonymous profile, specifically asking for what they want. So you can choose a a therapist skilled in world working with sexual trauma, PTSD, men’s issues, or childhood sexual abuse. You may wish to ask if they are trained in the latest protocols, for example, EMDR.
4. From self-care to self-caring and healing
A. Self-Caring
Cindi Lee recommends replacing our aspirations from self-care (an individualistic and consumerist approach to suffering) to self-caring.
https://www.lionsroar.com/the-joy-of-self-caring/
B. Breathing with mindful intelligence
You have probably heard people who are angry being told to count to ten or people who are very upset to “take a breath.” It’s good advice, but sometimes hard to follow if it feels patronizing, shaming, or judgmental–as if we are not supposed to have intense feelings or we are supposed to control our mind’s protective response.
Breathing is a way to reset the body following an amygdala hijack (or any stress response). Exhaling more slowly than inhaling lowers the heart rate. Focusing on the breath grounds you in the present moment and invites the pre-frontal cortex back in. It enables you to calm yourself.
C. Completing the Stress Cycle
Emily and Amelia Nagoski have written a great book called Burnout.
Brené Brown interviewed them for her podcast:
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/
They also have a great podcast called The Feminist Survival Project.
https://www.feministsurvivalproject.com/
https://www.ohsu.edu/sites/default/files/2022-04/A4%20-%2004.15.22%20Completing%20the%20Stress%20Cycle%20Handout.pdf
D. Mindful Awareness
This exercise invites us to be mindful of what we are thinking, feeling, and doing. Mindful awareness calls for us to observe what is happening without judging it as good or bad and anchoring ourselves in the present moment. During an amygdala hijack, a moment of trauma or distress, we can become fused with our thoughts or feelings rather than observing them at a distance. More suffering is caused by trying to avoid distress than by simply experiencing it, naming it, and letting it ebb and flow. Use the emotion card to gain greater skill at naming your emotions.
E. The Reality Slap
A reality slap is the gap between what we want and expect life to be and what it is. In his book, Russ Harris counsels four steps to shortcircuit fusion–being trapped in negative thoughts. First, hold yourself kindly. Second, drop the anchor (the breathing exercise is one way). Third, take a stand. What do you value and stand for? Who do you want to be in the face of adversity? Fourth, find the treasure (practicing gratitude is one way).
https://www.actmindfully.com.au/upimages/The_Reality_Slap_-Introduction&_Chapters_1_and_2.pdf
F. Self-care Tip: Meditation
Meditation is perhaps one of the most effective self-care strategies for health and well being, like breathing, whether or not one is a survivor or suffers from PTSD. Yet many of us are resistant, dismissive, and impatient about meditation. My resistance was overcome by the science of the brain that demonstrated that meditation enhanced our cognitive functioning as well as emotional well-being and I have found that to be true. I began first simply listening to sounds that produce the same brain states as meditation without requiring as much concentration. I still listen to these recordings almost daily. https://www.centerpointe.com/what-is-holosync/.
I started my guided meditation practice with Jack Kornfield (A Lamp in the Darkness) comes with an audio recording) but many good beginner’’ guides exist. Kornfield can sound a little soporific, like Mr. Rodgers, but you do come to love it.
You can read Jack Kornfield’s book A Lamp in the Darkness here on Google Books:
Kornfield had some particularly profound things to say about our emotions and the current pandemic that spoke to me:
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/13/magazine/jack-kornfield-mindfulness.html
G. Tapping
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or tapping has been very effective with those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, for example victims of torture. When the brain triggers a panic attack–for example, by seeing someone in a uniform, like the military who tortured them, or even being in a square room, like a cell. The Center for Victims of Torture created round rooms where survivors could be less triggered as they went through their recovery.
https://www.cvt.org
Tapping, however, is used widely in many forms of therapy for anxiety as a way of resetting the nervous system by tapping on acupressure points while speaking aloud from a script.
Dr. Mercola’s site has a great video of a tapping script for anxiety. https://eft.mercola.come.
Unfortunately, Dr. Mercola is an anti-vacc’er, so I no longer rely on him as a source, but the tapping video is good.
Jessica and Nick Ortner have popularized tapping.
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/jessica-ortner
and Jessica has written a book for tapping on Weight Loss and Body Confidence. This tapping script is one I use often for feeling overwhelmed about the many tasks of the day.
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/jessica-ortner/
Here is the tapping script I developed for my class.
rapetapping.docx
H. Loving Kindness
For a great history of the idea of self care, take a look at Aisha Harris’s article in Slate: https://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2017/04/the_history_of_self_care.htmle.
Deb Dana’s book Anchored: How To Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, https://www.amazon.com/Anchored-Befriend-Nervous-System-Polyvagal/dp/1683647068?asin=B096NHD3KQ&revisionId=d69f6b77&format=1&depth=1. applies many of the important ideas we have been talking about using the biology of the nervous system, ventral vagal (system of connection), sympathetic (system of action, i.e. fight or flight), and dorsal vagal (system of shutdown, tonic immobility, freeze faint).
Drawing on Kristin Neff and Chris Germer’s practices of loving kindness (see the science behind it on the Happiness Lab podcast.) have developed a compassion practice for distress to help move from self-criticism to self compassion.
- This is a moment of suffering
- Suffering is a part of life
- May I be kind to myself in this moment of suffering.
- May I give myself the compassion I need.
- May I be safe.
- May I be physically healthy.
- May I be mentally healthy.
- May my suffering ease.
- May I accept myself as I am.
- May I accept my life as it is.
Follow Jack Kornblat in his Loving Kindness meditation to extend it first to yourself, then to loved ones, then to neutrals, then to those who have harmed us.
Dana adds on p. 31
- My nervous system is in a survival response
- Moments of protection happen for everyone.
- May I bring some ventral vagal energy to this moment.
I. Gratitude
Keeping an optimistic outlook and being positive is associated with good leadership and people who are able to accomplish goals more generally, but a daily practice of gratitude can actually change how your brain works for the better. Our minds are evolutionarily predisposed toward negativity in order to protect us from harm, and so one has to cultivate–that is actively work towards–an attitude of gratitude.
Thinking of three things you are grateful for before you go to bed, or better yet keeping a gratitude journal, helps ground us in the present, develop mindfulness, and appreciate all that we have. https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-of-gratitude/.
Today I am grateful for:
- Your willingness to explore this website and listen to the podcast.
- Tarana Burke, Lacy Crawford, Ray Douglas, Jessica Stern, Chanel Miller, Susan Brison, and all the other brave survivors who have come forward.
- The documentarians who are capturing this #metoo moment and bringing it to a wider audience.
- That I have a platform to teach about rape.
- The scholars who have thought so deeply about how to understand rape.
- The lawyers who have helped their clients seek justice.
- My sister.
- My husband who supports me and makes me laugh.
The Tulane Compassion Society posted this source on gratitude
Gratitude journaling[1].pdf
J. Self-care Tip: Growth Mindset
Watch Carol Dweck’s TEDtalk on Growth Mindset.
https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en
Changing your attitude from a fixed to a growth mindset can actually expand your brain power to work not just harder, but smarter.
K. Expressive Writing
Pennebaker and Smyth, Opening Up by Writing it Down
- Keeping secrets takes a lot of psychic energy and impair our ability to think. Many who unburden themselves enjoy health benefits. But is important to choose a trustworthy confidant. Disclosure can help our brains process a traumatic event.
- Expressive writing can make you feel worse in the short term and stir things up (producing intrusive thoughts and dreams).
- Writing is thinking and freewriting helps us organize upheavals, clear the mind, resolve troublesome experiences, solve problems, learn, and clear the way for forced writing.
- Everyone copes with trauma in their own way and in their own time. Grieving in particular cannot be rushed.
- IFF listeners respond with compassion, disclosure can help us maintain a sense of who we are and our place in the world.
- Focusing only on negative emotions in writing may not be helpful; some people benefit from writing from the standpoint of their best possible future selves or from the standpoint of a third party.
- Writing about the same experience multiple time can lead to cognitive growth. Writing prompts matter. But sometimes we are seeking to make sense of things we cannot explain: why did this happen to me? Why did he do that to me?
- If writing feels too overwhelming stop and wait for a better time to process.
See this site for more information:
https://www.changecompanies.net/blog/james-pennebaker-expressive-writing/
L. Poetry
Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated from the German by Christiane Marks
Be ahead of all parting, as if it were behind you like the winter just passing now. For among winters there’s one such endless winter, that, over wintering, your heart for all time overcomes.
Albert Camus
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.
Mary Oliver
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting – over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
Nadia Colburn talks about how she changed her view of Mary Oliver as a serious poet after learning she survived childhood sexual abuse. Suddenly, her positivity looked different.
https://www.themanifeststation.net/2019/08/07/trauma-mary-oliver-and-me-how-poetry-saved-my-life/.
I recommend exploring the poet Rumi.
Here are two of my favorites:
The Guest House.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
“I said: what about my eyes?
He said: Keep them on the road.
I said: What about my passion?
He said: Keep it burning.
I said: What about my heart?
He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: Pain and sorrow.
He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi
Käthe Kollwitz
BY MURIEL RUKEYSER.
What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open
Muriel Rukeyser, “Käthe Kollwitz” from The Collected Poems of Muriel Rukeyser. Copyright © 2006 by Muriel Rukeyser. Reprinted by permission of International Creative Management.
Source: The Collected Poems of Muriel Rukeyser (University of Pittsburgh Press, 2006
M. Journaling
Journaling and expressive (free writing) are similar but not the same. Expressive writing focuses on timed writing that is not pondered but simply flows without editing or reflection whereas journal writing need not have this quality.
Trudy Gilbert-Eliot’s Trauma Recovery Journal is a guided journal intended to help trauma victims in their healing processes. This journal features prompts and practices created to explore, understand, and come to terms with one’s experiences.
N. Sex Positivity
My new favorite is sex educator Emily Nogoski. I haven’t read her latest book, Come Together, but I cannot recommend Come as You Are more highly.
Betty Dodson was an advocate of sex positivity and women’s self-knowledge. See her obituary here and I recommend her books.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/03/style/betty-dodson-dead.htm.
The website Love is Respect has tips, quizzes, and information about healthy relationships.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIoN2r587P6gIVBYTICh2sKA5LEAAYASAAEgKwgfD.
Safebae was founded by survivors of campus sexual assault and also has educational videos about healthy relationships.
https://safebae.org/.
O. Parts Work
Is there just one “you”? We’ve been taught to believe we have a single identity, and to feel fear or shame when we can’t control the inner voices that don’t match the ideal of who we think we should be. Yet Dr. Richard Schwartz’s research now challenges this “mono-mind” theory. “All of us are born with many sub-minds―or parts,” says Dr. Schwartz. “These parts are not imaginary or symbolic. They are individuals who exist as an internal family within us―and the key to health and happiness is to honor, understand, and love every part.”
- The ego, the inner critic, the saboteur―making these often-maligned parts into powerful allies
- Burdens―why our parts become distorted and stuck in childhood traumas and cultural beliefs
- The Self―discover your wise, compassionate essence of goodness that is the source of healing and harmony
- Exercises for mapping your parts, accessing the Self, working with a challenging protector, identifying each part’s triggers, and more
IFS is a paradigm-changing model because it gives us a powerful approach for healing ourselves, our culture, and our planet. As Dr. Schwartz teaches, “Our parts can sometimes be disruptive or harmful, but once they’re unburdened, they return to their essential goodness. When we learn to love all our parts, we can learn to love all people―and that will contribute to healing the world.”
P. Humor
You might not think sexual violence could generate much material for humor, but one definition of humor is pain + distance. Traumatic situations come with much absurdity. I recommend watching stand-up comedian Hannah Gasby, starting with Nanette and then watching Douglas (the order matters). Both are on Netflix. Gasby is Australian, an art historian, a lesbian, neuroatypical, a feminist, and a survivor and–hilarious!
I also recommend reading this article in Signs by Viveca S. Greene about Samantha Bee and Amy Schumer. Signs on Rape Satire.pdf
For a more disturbing perspective on our culture watch:
You will appreciate this clip more if you watched Friday Night Lights.
https://www.google.com/search?q=amy+schumer+on+friday+night+lights&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS1003US1003&oq=amy+schumer+on+friday+night+lights&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhge0gEINTY2N2owajeoAgCwAgA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:134f0d57,vid:TM2RUVnTlvs,st:0Links.
Esposito is a stand up comic who is also a survivor and does a routine about rape.
https://www.google.com/search?q=stand+up+comic+on+rape&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS1003US1003&oq=stand+up+comic+on+rape&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCDUyNDVqMGo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:990de25f,vid:9qMQTWzhh_E,st:0.
Two men comedians worthy of note are Daniel Sloss, the only male comedian to speak out against Russell Brand,
https://www.tiktok.com/@screenshothq/video/7280120735916363040?lang=en.
and Hannibel Burress
Q.
Allura & Arcia’s Stress Relief & Self-Care Cards provide fifty-two cards focused on practicing relaxation and destress. Of these fifty-two cards, practical and easy exercises in mindfulness, meditation, and stress management are used to promote positive self-care and love.